Parents' tips: how to cope if you feel disappointed after a caesarean (credit to Baby Center)
Last reviewed: February 2011
It is not unusual to feel disappointed if your birth didn't go the way you had planned. Here, other BabyCenter mums share their stories and offer wise words of advice.
Talk about how you feel
"I was pregnant with my fourth child and two weeks overdue. After three natural labours, needing to be induced and then going on to have a caesarean was terrifying. However there was little choice because my son was stubbornly remaining in a breech position. The trauma of the operation and the exhaustion afterwards really got me down and my emotions went haywire! Total honesty with myself and the people around me got me through. Talking about it openly helped me to face what had happened and overcome it."
- Jo
"I spent months looking forward to the birth of my baby and then felt like I missed out on the most important part by having a caesarean. I had only been on maternity leave for about an hour when my waters broke at 35 weeks. It took me a long time to get my head around it all, but chatting to my friends about how painful their experience of natural labour had been made me feel oddly better. They let me vent my feelings and emotions, as well as helped me to dispel any caesarean myths. My advice is to hold your head up high and be proud you are a mum. It doesn’t matter how your baby made it into this world, as long as you both made it through ok."
- Lin
"It helps to know that you are not alone. I couldn't stop crying after my emergency caesarean. I knew that it was the best thing for my daughter but I felt as if I had let everyone down. Chatting to my friends who had also had c-sections helped me to work through things and come to terms with it all."
- Bethany
"I had an emergency caesarean and I hate it when people say I gave birth the easy way. Believe me, the pain afterwards is not easy! I tried to surround myself with people who understood instead, and it made me feel a whole lot better."
- Claire
"I had been in early labour for five days when I was told that I needed a caesarean because my daughter had the cord wrapped around her neck, arm and leg. The look on the midwife's face as I was rushed to theatre made me feel like a complete failure. In fact, it was only when I remembered her expression two weeks later that I started to feel really depressed about it all. I had wanted to do things naturally and began to wonder if I could even say I'd given birth when in fact my little girl had just been plucked out of me. Talking it all through with close friends and reading similar stories on websites like these has been a great help. I've realised that I'm not alone and that it's common to feel like this. That is so comforting."
- Catherine
Accept that labour is unpredictable
"Someone once said to me that a new life is the greatest gift you will ever receive. The goal of a successful pregnancy and delivery is a healthy baby and a healthy mother, full stop. Everything else, including the type of birth, is irrelevant. There is too much emphasis these days on birth plans and expectations of how things will be during the birth process. As a natural process, it is largely uncontrollable. In fact, the only part that can be controlled is appropriate intervention to ensure that you and your child are safe. C-section intervention is not failure but success, because it means that you have achieved your goal - healthy baby and healthy mother. I delivered my first child vaginally and my second child by caesarean because he was breech. Far from feeling like a 'failure', I feel lucky that there was a procedure that ensured my baby's health and mine."
- Sadie
"I needed a caesarean and was really upset because I had wanted a natural birth. I told my husband that I felt angry, cheated and disappointed. He pointed out that the birth cannot be controlled and is a very small part of the journey. Conceiving and carrying our baby for nine months was a huge achievement on its own. This made me feel so much better."
- Lyann
"A caesarean was the only way I was going to get my 11lb son out, but I still felt traumatised by it all and like I had let my baby down. My doctor was marvellous though and reminded me that far from being a failure, I was a survivor of something that could have killed us both if it had been a different time and place. I wouldn't say I've come to terms with it but I know that the parent I am now is infinitely more important than how my baby came into this world. I laboured and I tried as hard as I could to have a natural birth, but sometimes it isn't meant to be, and knowing that is what gets you through."
- Emma
Ask for a birthing review
"I was 12 days overdue, and after being induced and labouring for 13 hours I was still only 3cm dilated. My baby was in distress and the doctor told me that I needed a caesarean. I had to have a general anesthetic and didn’t wake up until nearly four hours after the birth. The guilt of missing my baby's first gasp of air made me feel that he wasn't really mine and I struggled to bond with him. I blamed the caesarean and the anesthetic, but thankfully the birthing review gave me the answers and explained why I couldn't have continued labour naturally. The c-section had probably saved my little boy's life. Since that day, I look at my son and am so grateful for what I have. Nothing else matters to me anymore."
- Francesca
Be proud that you did the best thing for your baby
"Do not despair. After preparing mentally and physically for a natural birth, I was shocked when the decision was made that I needed a caesarean. I was 10 days overdue and had been in labour for more than 24 hours without dilating. I knew a caesarean was the safest option for my baby, but afterwards I still suffered from depression. I felt like I had failed as a woman and as a mother. I can happily say though that these feelings only lasted for about a week, because every time I breastfed my daughter and looked into her happy eyes I felt comforted. I did the right thing for my baby and I am proud of myself."
- Wilna
"After having two natural births, the emergency caesarean I had recently was a huge shock to the system. I think it’s harder when you're not prepared for it. I can't explain how useless I felt afterwards. I found that overwhelming feeling really surprising. Putting things into perspective though really helps. Without the c-section my baby might not be here. That means there was really no choice at all and I've accepted that this is how it was meant to be."
- Helen
"I had an emergency caesarean after a long labour and felt a failure as a result. I wish I could have experienced pushing my little boy out, but instead it felt like I was just handed a baby. This made it tricky to bond and I didn't even get to give him a cuddle straight away. Of course I am pleased that both of us are well and I know that is the most important outcome, but I do think people should be a bit more understanding of our feelings of disappointment at having missed out on an important life experience. I know greater understanding would have helped me. There's always next time though!"
- Julia
It's not the journey but the destination that counts
"I had been in labour for a while when the midwife told me that my baby's blood/oxygen levels were not looking good. I was whisked off for a caesarean and all I could think about were the birth stories I'd heard about what a wonderful experience a natural labour is. I was frustrated that I had got so close to it, and now had to lie back and let someone remove my baby from me. I felt cheated and like a failure. Other women can give birth naturally so why couldn't I? After taking a lot of time to think things over though, I realised that I was just feeling sorry for myself. At the end of the day, my daughter couldn't care less if she was pushed out or pulled out."
- Jemma
"I didn't even get the chance to go into labour. Two weeks before my due date my baby stopped moving so I needed an emergency caesarean. Our baby needed resuscitation, and without the c-section he would not have survived. This made me realise how lucky we are to have this procedure available. Lots of people will give you a funny look when you say you've had caesarean but it's not so much the journey you take but the beautiful destination you end up at. Yes, I was disappointed that I missed pushing my daughter into the world and that my husband didn’t get to cut the cord, but these feelings fade. Our baby is alive and well, and that's all I care about now."
- Amy
"My original birth plan was to have as little pain relief as possible and to go with the natural flow. My baby turned out to be in a breech position though so I needed a caesarean. To be honest it didn't upset me too much. If you ask me, you have to approach labour with an open mind. I'm just happy that I have a healthy baby and it's regardless how he came into this world. I've put it behind me and am focusing on his bright future. Our bond gets stronger every day."
- Sarah
p/s :
the reasons i share this article is because i think it is really useful kepada sesiapa sahaja especially mom to be, pregnant lady, yang dah buat caesarean and orang sekeliling anda..
macam saya sendiri, saya tak expect yang saya akan kena buat caesar sebab sepanjang kehamilan saya tiada masalah sangat.. sepanjang kehamilan marissa saya boleh shopping till drop, puasa tamat sebulan, jenjalan merata sampai tak hengat.. jalan2 cari makan sana sini... hmm.. tiba2 teringat time preggy dulu.. cam rindu plak.... hehehehhe
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| tiba2 teringat time pregnant lu.. preggy 4 bulan jenjalan shopping wif my best fren |
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| preggy 8 mths ++ lepak2 ngan kengkawan.. suma org pndg sebab ada dua orang bwk perut.. lawak |
tapi at last setelah mencuba untuk melahirkan marissa secara normal akhirnya doktor mencadangkan kepada sya untuk buat caesarean..
pada mulanya saya memang tak nak sebab saya rasa saya mampu lagi mencuba untuk menunggu bukaan 3cm yang terakhir tetapi atas nasihat doktor dan husband akhirnya saya dimasukkan ke OT untuk buat caesarean..
masa doktor decide utk buat caesarean saya hanya terfikir melambung la bill hospital ni.. i dont even think pun yang apa "most people think negatively about caesarean".. all i think i nak baby cepat2 keluar .. cuma saya rasa kecewa sedikit sebab tidak boleh melahirkan anak secara normal.. tapi itu tidak mematahkan semangat saya.. lepas doktor dah keluarkan baby dalam 30 min and buat double thumbs up kat saya signal that your baby is fine.. barulah saya boleh menarik nafas lega..
(selepas dah lahirkan baby dr philips(dr philips pengganti kepada my doctor iaitu dr wendy) cakap kedudukan marissa mendongak ke atas sedikit sebab tu saya agak lambat untuk dilate.. during last check up wif dr wendy, i dah engaged tapi suddenly baby berubah kedudukan pulak di saat akhir.. dr wendy pulak outstation terpaksa la dr philips yang ganti.. al kisah nya marissa ni during my pregnancy memang pelbagai jenis kedudukan.. sekejap breech, sekejap oblique, sekejap tranverse, sampaikan doctor cakap baby you ni suka main akrobatik la.. heheheh )
selepas caesar ubat bius masih rasa lagi dan saya tak sabar2 nak tengok baby saya.. selepas dah dapat baby saya terus breastfeed dia walaupun agak susah sebab u tak boleh nak move sangat disebabkan rasa kebas ubat bius tu.. but i try my best to breastfeed my baby for first time walaupun agak kekok.. keesokan harinya saya terus discharge and seboleh2nya selepas pembedahan hendaklah terus bergerak secara perlahan2 untuk melancarkan pengaliran darah..
setelah berada di luar apabila kita berjumpa orang ramai barulah caesarean memberi kesan kepada saya kerana most people keep saying to me.. sayangnya u tak dapat nak deliver normal.. ooo.. kesiannya.. ,, sayangnya u tak dapat nak rasa sakit beranak normal and bermacam2 lagi la ayat negatif.. sedangkan at that moment saya hanya bersikap biasa.. saya more concern on my baby rather than myself.. believe me.. kadang2 bukannya u yang mengingatkan diri u tentang caesarean tetapi lebih kepada orang sekeliling u..
for me.. as long as baby i sihat, i dapat breastfeed baby dan i tak menyusahkan orang lain, itu pun dah cukup..
kadang2 orang lain hanya pandai berkata2.. tapi bukan mereka yang merasa.. so biarkan la mereka berkata-kata apa yang mereka nak...
yang penting kena fikir positif.. sebut kuat-kuat.. SAYA SEORANG YANG POSITIF..
sekian.. itu saja setakat ni..
senyum simpul... hehehehehhe
